Punctilious In Regret
by Aisling-Siobhan
Summary: [Lucius/HP][Draco/Harry] Lucius regrets sleeping with Harry. Because, no matter what anyone has said, having loved and lost is harder than having never loved at all, because at least then he'd have never known what he was missing. Post-HP. Angst. Cheating. Language. Drabble. Prompt Fic.


"**P****unctilious In Regret**"

**Disclaimer: ** Harry Potter is property of JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros, et all. I make no money from this and I own nothing, don't sue.

**Summary: ** [Lucius/HP][Draco/Harry] Lucius regrets sleeping with Harry. Because, no matter what anyone has said, having loved and lost is harder than having never loved at all, because at least then he'd have never known what he was missing.

**Warnings: ** Slash. Drabble fic. Tumblr Prompt. Language. Lucius/Harry. Draco/Harry. Angst. First HP fic in a while…

**Rating: ** R.

**A/N**: This is for Erizu on AO3. This was less sexy than I intended when I started writing it, but well, it's all about regret right? Angst seemed more appropriate.

_XXX_

_"Looking back, I have this to regret; that too often when I loved, I did not say so." - __David Grayson__._

**Words: ** 1,137

**Chapter 1**

Lucius had wanted him for years before it happened. He had watched the boy, after the war had ended, as he became friends with Draco, and he had wanted him desperately. But he hadn't held out much hope, because this was Harry Potter, saviour, hero, all around a far better person than Lucius Malfoy ever could be. So Lucius had pushed back his desire, forced down his lust and ignored the part of him that ached every time he saw Harry in a newspaper or a magazine kissing another man.

One morning, a year ago, Lucius had woken up and found Harry sitting at the breakfast table. He had smiled, wide and carefree because obviously he was still dreaming or perhaps because his dream _hadn't_ been a dream. And then Draco had wandered into the room, leant down to kiss Harry's forehead and had taken the seat beside the man Lucius desired. That year his heart broke a little more every morning, with every kiss Draco greeted Harry with, and every sound that escaped from their room as Lucius stood outside listening (torturing himself), and with every day that passed since he had realised he was in love – not lust – with Harry.

He shouldn't have done it. He knew he shouldn't have done it; at the time, during and immediately afterwards, but he had anyway and Lucius had felt no regret. When he had seen Draco, kissing someone else outside of a restaurant in Muggle London (and no, Lucius hadn't followed Draco there, not at all) he had told Harry. He had ignored the accusations Harry had levelled against him, insisted that he wasn't lying and offered to show Harry a memory. Lucius showed him, and Harry watched. And Harry cried.

When the tears had ended, and the anger set in, Lucius should have known better than to kiss back. He was a rebound, these actions were simply Harry's way of hurting Draco back, and he knew that but he _hadn't cared_. He kissed Harry back, furiously, fingers tangled in his hair and legs parting Harry's own so far that the other man had no choice but to jump up, legs around Lucius' waist. They had fucked like that, in the corridor with their clothes strewn around them, ignoring Narcissa's gasp of surprise as they came, shouting their own releases above the sound of her startled cry.

Still sticky but nowhere near satisfied, Lucius had dragged Harry away to the privacy of his room. But Harry, still hurt, still angry and ever the heated Gryffindor that he had been in school, dragged Lucius towards _his_ room instead: his and Draco's room. They fucked again, Harry spread out beneath Lucius, his legs up over pale shoulders. And again, with Harry on top; riding Lucius' cock furiously and his head thrown back as he moaned. And again, until they were both too spent to move, ending up curled together on top of the duvet that had twisted and slipped half onto the ground, but neither had the energy to fix it.

Lucius had felt the first twinge of it then, lying with his arms around Harry, of regret. Not for his actions, no, because he would not regret this – his taking of what he had wanted for so long now, because he was a Slytherin and they took what they wanted, they earned it, and Lucius' patience so far had been more than worthy of such a reward. But perhaps he should have waited, seduced and consoled first? Perhaps then Harry might not have jumped out of the bed first thing the next morning, looking ten shades of horrified, his hands shaking in front of his mouth as he tried not to cry.

"Harry?" Draco had asked from the doorway, obviously only coming home himself. He was clearly shocked, probably expecting Harry to have been asleep so Draco could have slipped into the bed beside him, pretended he had been there all night long so that Harry would never know he was being betrayed.

"I- I-" Harry stuttered, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," Lucius had drawled, reaching out on arm to loop around Harry's waist, trying to draw the man back into the bed with him. But Harry had darted away from him, quickly grabbing his clothes as he dashed passed Draco and into the en suit bathroom. When he came out he had been fully dressed and Draco was waiting for him in the corridor.

They had left together, and Lucius had stayed in the couples' bed, unacknowledged, rejected until it finally sank in that Harry wasn't coming back to him. Harry had gone back to Draco. They were "even"; Draco's words, not his. They were giving things "another go", and they had bought a new bed and moved into a new room so that memories of Lucius couldn't taint what was left of their relationship. Harry stopped sitting with him in the library while he read and Lucius worked, and Draco stopped asking for relationship advice when they fought, and Narcissa couldn't look him in the eyes without sighing in disappointment either, so everything was tainted. And Lucius missed what they had had. He and Harry had been friends before, and sometimes Lucius even thought Harry might have cared for him just a little, but now they were strangers living in the same house, trying their hardest to avoid one another while they were in the same room.

It hurt a little more every day, to see Draco and Harry kiss and hold hands and get married like nothing had ever happened to separate them. And it hurt more because that could have been him one day, if he had waited patiently and let Harry find out about Draco's cheating in his own time, or if he had been decent enough to stop Harry from kissing him, had refused to fuck him. But it wasn't him, and now Lucius knew what he was missing. He had lost his friend, and he was haunted at night by dreams of Harry that were far more realistic than his old dreams, because these ones were memories. They played behind closed eyelids while he slept and in the space in front of him when he zoned out while reading, and they danced in the flames of the fireplace if Lucius stared at them for too long, and he regretted.

Not only that he hadn't waited, or that he had hurt his son, or taken advantage of his friend and ruined his own chances. But now he regretted, after having him, and knowing he could never have him again, having slept with Harry Potter.

If he hadn't have slept with Harry in the first place, Lucius would have never known what he was missing. Missing Harry now then wouldn't be driving him insane.

**End**

This… Sucks…

This is why I hate trying to get back into a fandom after I've been away for a while. I may start though; I have loads of HP fics I've promised to update.


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